


Aftermath

by RonaldRx



Series: BPD!RomanSionis - Vent Fics [2]
Category: Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (2020)
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I mean c'mon you're in this tag you know what you're getting lol, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mentions of Murder, Mood Swings, Self-Harm, Victor Zsasz is a good bf and I stand by that, i just read through it again and yet idk what to tag lmfao wow, it's elaborated in the top note as always!, talk about murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:07:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27477013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonaldRx/pseuds/RonaldRx
Summary: Reader basically follows Roman through the day and a couple more days after his BPD episode from this series' first part. Victor is being a good boyfriend as always.
Relationships: Roman Sionis/Victor Zsasz
Series: BPD!RomanSionis - Vent Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2000488
Kudos: 15





	Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> Hyelow!
> 
> So, this is the vent fic I've been working on since my first one last week. UH, yeah. Just. It's been rough, y'all. Uni started last week and frankly, I have no idea how to get through that, lmfao. Whatever.
> 
> TW // Self-Harm: Punching and scratching. Nothing explicit like in the first one. Still mentioned, though.
> 
> If you're triggered by this or anything else mentioned in the tags, do consider if you should really read this, please. Take care!
> 
> Hope you enjoy this anyway!
> 
> \- Ronny

When Roman's episode left him extremely exhausted and vulnerable, he just wanted to go to sleep and wake up in the morning feeling better.

That didn't exactly work out the way he wanted it to, though, as he's had a restless night. He woke up a bunch of times and his dreams were playing onto fears or past traumatic events of his, like they always did.

After he woke up for good and Victor had gotten up in response to get everything prepared for breakfast and such, he was laying in bed for a few more minutes to really come to. Then he got up, followed his usual morning routine and found that he didn't feel all too bad. 

He wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth, though. 

So, he didn't dwell on it and just tried to go about his morning like he would any day and see how it worked out then.

In the end it was a good thing he didn't buy into not feeling the effects of last night just yet, since it turned out that he was extremely sensitive to noises - like he always was after such a bad episode. Not only that, though; his head felt extremely heavy and his mind clouded as if there was a thick fog surrounding it. He was in physical pain, felt sick and so fucking heavy. His movements were sluggish and it took so much fucking effort to just eat his breakfast and lift the cutlery and the espresso cup to his mouth. Chewing and swallowing was a task in and of itself. He felt so sick, he could barely swallow his food; but he forced himself to do it anyway.

On top of all that, he hasn't talked to Victor, yet. His mind - despite being so clouded - was racing with things to say, with things he did last night and more. 

It was too much. 

So, as a result of that they ate in silence.

The clanking of the dishes was already enough to make him angry and almost snap at Victor for no reason because he wasn't even the person causing the noises. It was himself after all.

He didn't eat all of his breakfast; unable to force it entirely down his throat, in fear of actually throwing it all back up.

After washing it down with the rest of his espresso, he got up and lied down on the chaise longue - where it all started last night. 

He didn't even dress in any of his suits. Just a plain shirt, his sleeping pants and his purple silk robe. If he could, he would sleep all day long. He felt so fucking exhausted and the day only started.

While he was lying there, he just stared at the ceiling, lost in thought but also not really present at all. He was in this state again where he didn't feel real. Everything was going past him, he felt so floaty, yet so heavy; it was absolute hell. 

However, he noticed that Zsasz was standing nearby after a while. He didn't know if he stood there the entire time, waiting for him to notice him or if he really just came to stand there. 

He turned his head to look at his partner. 

He meant to ask what he was doing standing there but no words would come out of his mouth. He thought them; rather clearly to his surprise, too. Yet, they wouldn't make their way to his throat and past his lips. 

It was one of those days, then. 

One of those days where he couldn't really talk at all; where it took so much effort to just open his mouth or make a single sound in the back of his throat. 

Those were extremely frustrating days for him. 

Zsasz opened and closed his mouth for a few moments and Roman raised one of his eyebrows at him in silent question. 

"Can I lie down with you?" Victor asked eventually, his voice barely above a whisper like the night before, probably aware it would agitate Roman if it were louder than that. 

He nodded immediately. 

As much as he just wanted to get away from Victor and not embarrass himself any further, he craved his presence. At the very least, he needed him to ground him at this moment because it felt like he was about to float away entirely if he didn't do something about it, soon.

The chaise longue wasn't exactly broad enough to fit two grown men on it when they were lying down on it but they made it work. Roman was squeezed between the backrest and Victor, who was enveloping him with his arms, their legs tangled together, as they were facing each other. 

Usually, he wouldn't be able to tolerate such a position because he would feel claustrophobic and uncomfortable. Yet, in this moment he was probably as comfortable as he could possibly be in regards to the way he was already feeling beforehand.

Having Victor pressed against him, squeezing him rhythmically and stroking over his back, was doing wonders to feeling more like himself again. He could feel himself slowly coming back to the present. The lingering feelings of heaviness and the tightness of his throat that wouldn't let any words and noises past it were still very much there; but it seemed alright for the moment. Zsasz was holding him and therefore silently telling him that it was okay if he didn't do anything besides being held for now. 

It felt surprisingly good, filling him with a warmth he could just barely grasp onto, hidden underneath the thick fog of emptiness and heaviness.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realised that Zsasz must have told their entire private staff not to come in for the day, since he's not seen or heard any of them this morning so far. He was in such a haze that he didn't even notice the missing people roaming about the entire time.

This knowledge made him relax a little further into Victor's hold and the cushions, clinging tightly onto his partner.

They lied there in silence for a while. Roman didn't really know for how long exactly. It felt like a few minutes but he knew for a fact that a few minutes were probably an hour or more in this floaty haze he was just starting to completely come out of. 

Victor never let go of him or stopped his squeezing and rubbing, no matter how long they've actually been in this position. Sionis felt incredibly grateful for his right-hand man; he knew he didn't show it or say it enough but he was sure Victor knew it. 

He was sure that Zsasz knew how important he was to Roman. 

That he had so many privileges that others didn't when it came to him. That he was the only person who was allowed to touch him unprompted. That he was the only person able to interrupt him without being killed for it. That he was the only person allowed to see him like this. That he was the only person able to make him feel better at all, ever.

The warmth from before filled him again.

This time he could grasp onto it and actually feel it for a bit. Zsasz was the only person to ever make him feel like this, too. It was unusual for him. Unused. Something he didn't know he could feel at all. 

"Thank you," Roman rasped quietly. 

Victor squeezed him a little tighter for a moment. "Anytime." 

Even though Roman finally came back to himself and managed to speak a little, he didn't make a move to get up just yet. He couldn't remember the last time he felt somewhat comfortable just lying there with someone else. He still felt heavy, his headache didn't vanish, the fog that was clouding his mind was still present and the blockage in his throat was still there but more manageable. Despite all of that, he felt at ease in this moment. 

"Are you sure, you don't want me to kill someone for you?" Victor asked after some more minutes of comfortable silence. 

"I'm sure. It wouldn't change anything." 

"Okay." 

Roman managed to smile a little bit. Victor's best idea of comforting him every single time was killing someone for him. It would be ridiculous to anyone else but more often than not, that was exactly what helped him. Just not this time. 

A few seconds passed and Roman shifted so that he could look Victor in the eyes, having had his neck in his field of vision for the past amount of time. Then he leaned forward and pressed an almost chaste kiss to his lips. Victor returned that immediately and they went on for a couple of minutes; just pressing their lips together for surprisingly soft kisses. 

Roman eventually drew back again and just smiled at the other man. It didn't reach his eyes at all but it wasn't forced. 

"I've never wanted you to see me like this. Now, I'm not sure if I'm not glad you finally have," he whispered, still smiling a little. 

Victor grinned. "Thanks for letting me, Roman." 

"Don't get used to it, though." 

"Wouldn't dream of it." 

"Good. Get up then." 

Zsasz immediately let go of him, untangled their legs, shifted into a sitting position and got up from the chaise longue. He stretched and Roman could hear his joints pop. They really must have been lying there for a while. 

Roman felt much better in the evening then. The fog and heaviness finally lifted, he could actually speak again which also meant he kind of chewed Victor's ear off talking about anything and everything until they went to bed that night. They didn't go downstairs to the club, though, as Roman was actually a little uncertain if that wouldn't put him back into that weird state he had been in all night and morning. 

The next day even turned out to be a really good one. 

He was euphoric, laughing and talking like the past two days hadn't happened at all. 

It was incredible. 

He realised how he didn't appreciate feeling like this often enough. Whenever he felt everything bad too much, he tended to forget that there were days where everything seemed alright, where he was feeling okay and like nothing could ruin that. 

Though, of course he should have felt more cautious about this state of euphoria. 

The day after was a miserable up and down. Whereas the up was just scratching the surface of 'not absolute shit' and ended up with him not feeling anything at all. Just emptiness. 

Then the emptiness would make place for dread, hurt and anger, depending on what happened and set him off. 

It was an endless and exhausting cycle. 

At this point, he truly was just at a loss. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to help himself. He refused to go see a doctor. They were of no help anyway. 

Victor couldn't truly help him either. Sure, he could ground him when he felt like he was floating away. He could bring him down from his fits of rage or guide it over to an innocent bystander if that didn't help. 

But he couldn't make the dread go away. He couldn't make the anxiety stop. He couldn't make his father's hurtful words stop from popping into his mind and making him startle and ruin his entire day. Neither could he stop these intense self-destructive thoughts he kept having. 

Roman really wished that Victor could help him with any of that. 

He felt so powerless. 

Helpless. 

The evening a day later, he had a moment where he truly wished to just cease existing altogether. 

He couldn't even remember what really happened. Not fully at least. 

One moment he was supposed to be doing business over the phone with a mob boss who was out of the country and neither of them bothered to fly somewhere to see each other just to talk about some things. And the next moment, something wasn't working. 

He couldn't remember what.

What he remembered was feeling the panic rise in him. 

The rage, too. 

At the guy on the other line? 

At himself? 

He didn't know. 

What he knew was that he was trying to make it work. 

He was screaming, punching and scratching. 

Then, almost suddenly, it all went back on track and he started to calm down. 

He was trembling and unfocused but at least the rage had subsided. 

Victor ran into the room as soon as he heard him yell but he wouldn't let him near him. 

As he started to come down from that, he beckoned his partner over after all. 

He didn't register anything that was happening over the phone. Everything the man on the other line was saying was going past him completely. He felt floaty again. 

Shit. 

Victor started massaging his shoulders. 

That was good. 

He felt that. 

He registered it. 

Roman still didn't know what the other guy was saying. He heard it but it went into one ear and out the other immediately. 

It was frustrating. 

He felt tears burn in his eyes again. 

He swallowed them down. 

He even heard himself talk, knew that whatever he was saying must have been good. They were reaching a compromise. 

Suddenly the call was over. 

Victor was still working on his shoulders, digging into the tense muscles there. 

How long has it been? 

It felt like a minute has passed but it must have been much longer than that. 

He looked at his mobile phone and realised that it has been an entire hour. 

How was that even possible? 

He didn't understand this haze he found himself in every time. This floaty feeling, the way time seemed to pass not at all, yet all too fast and just having everything go past him. It was strange. 

Sionis took a deep breath and reached up with one hand to grasp onto one of Victor's, who stopped massaging him as soon as their hands touched. 

"You alright?" Zsasz asked quietly, gently. 

Roman shook his head. 

"Can I help you?" 

"I don't think so." 

Victor pressed a soft kiss into his hair and squeezed the hand he was holding and whispered an "Okay". 

"I don't even know what's going on with me anymore," Roman sighed. 

"Should I call someone?" 

"Fuck no!" 

"Alright, hey, it was just a question," Victor soothed him immediately. 

Roman made a frustrated noise. 

"You don't wanna see someone get their face peeled off, do you? It's been a while." 

By 'a while' Victor was talking about five days. Which was probably a long time for them both, to be fair. 

Roman hummed in thought. 

"Sure, why not. You're right, it has been a while. I've been neglecting you, haven't I?" 

Zsasz grinned. "Maybe a little but that's alright, we'll make up for that, now, hm?" 

Sionis chuckled and nodded. 

"Get everything prepared, call the boys, have this Lorrance guy rounded up. I've been wanting to kill him for weeks." 

"Sure thing, boss!" Victor snickered. 

This entire time, they were talking to each other by looking into the vanity mirror.

Zsasz leaned down and forward, Roman turned his head; and they kissed on the lips a couple of times, smiling all the while. 

Yeah, a kill might be exactly what they both needed, now.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading as always. Love y'all!


End file.
